On being a parent of a difficult child

When you see a teen on the news who has done some horrific crime, the idea that the parents should have "done something" always seems to come up. Why didn't they get the child some help? Surely they noticed some abnormal behavior!

My son is a difficult teen. I feel like we walk on egg shells to keep him from "going off." When he does have a fit, which is just about everyday and sometimes multiple times a day, life is hell. He screams, he threatens to kill people, he threatens to snap the animals necks, he threatens to burn the house down, he throws stuff at people and at walls, he trashes the house and makes holes in the walls, he mocks me and insults me, he terrorizes his sister, he scares the animals and they hide, he destroys meaningful things and he tries to hurt himself. He has had to go to the ER after trying to hurt himself more than once.

I have called the police. I have called counselors. I have taken him to the doctor, psychiatrist and counselor. I have called the school counselor. I have called help/crisis lines. I have had him Baker-acted at least 5 times. No answers. No real solutions. I am not going to say no one has tried to help, they have, but there is just really limited resources for dealing with issues like this.

I have tried to get him into residential care before he hurts himself or someone else. It's a very long process and I am STILL waiting for someone to get it started. The local counseling agency had changed case managers, psychiatrists and counselors and somehow we fall through the cracks.

I have considered foster care.... and I read all these nasty opinions of people online saying how horrible parents who consider giving up their own children are. That they are bad parents and can't handle their own responsibility.

I read opinions of friends who say that out of control children is a result of not spanking and that parents who do not spank are creating monsters for society to deal with. Others claim spanking children is creating violent adults. Spank? Don't Spank? It's lack of religion! It's too strict of religion! It's the parents fault! It's society's fault! It's movies! It's music! AHHH! Shut up already!!!

It's not about who to blame. It's about finding this "Help" that is magically going to step in and make everything better... but it never comes.

Can you imagine grabbing your other child or children, grabbing pets and scurrying into a room, locking the door and hiding from your out of control teen. He's talking through his teeth at you, spewing venom. He's laughing at your tears and mocking "Oh are you playing victim today?" "Booo hooo hooo" He's threatening to hurt you and your pets, throwing things at the door that he constantly BAMS on. BAM! BAM! BAM! "LET ME IN!!" He threatens to drink bleach, he takes your prescribed medication runs off with it. From inside the room you try to call for help and boom the powers goes out. He has shut off the power so you can't call for help. He runs outside, you lock him out and try to call for help, he breaks in the door! He holds a metal bat in his hands. You find and old cell phone and call 911....

The police come and have him Baker-Acted. For 2-3 days you have peace while they watch him in a psych hospital. He chills with others teens, watching TV and making art projects. 3 days later you have to explain to your other child(ren) that he is coming back home.... and no, nothing has changed. Nothing was done. And yes, chances are this will happen again very soon....

Because really there doesn't seem to be any help out there.....

Before you judge parents who live through the daily hell of having a very difficult child, take a second to put yourself in their shoes. Of course they love their child and want the best for them. I miss my sweet little toddler I used to know. It's heartbreaking. It's stressful. It's hell to have someone you love so much hurt you so bad and feel completely helpless. It's alienating and scary. It's constant and suffocating. It's walking on egg shells and it's embarrassing. It's so very lonely.....